The day before
Woke up around 3am the night before surgery eve. Had an epiphany about integration.
I am realizing that I am not just saying goodbye to my knee. I am saying goodbye to the whole of me that is designed around the wounded knee. The wound of the knee is not just localized but spiraled through my being. The instability of my right knee determined who I am, how I moved, what decisions I made, how I related to world and others. I needed to function around that wound. In changing that, I am changing who I am, and there is some fear and some sadness in losing this “who I am right now.” I am the best I can do right now. And losing this “me” is scary even though the future me may shine at many higher levels.
In literature and media there are instances of quick change and how difficult it is to integrate into the new from the old. Gregor Samsa, from Kafka’s Meatmorphosis has such a challenge. Waking up as a beetle from a human experience, he struggles to accept his new way in the world, superimposing his old beliefs upon the newness. The Dr. Who syfi series has the main character transmute into a new self every so often and in confused for a while until his/her new self becomes established.
This impermanence of the self seems more real right now as it will be drastically changed soon. Perhaps this is why there is so much time needed for healing. If one changed so significantly overnight, they might not recognize who they are anymore and such a shift could blow apart the ego, or the sense of self that we cling to. Integration is sometimes not so easy when the change is great. We can adapt easily to a small amount of sand in our shoe but it takes concerted effort to adapt to a pebble. The reverse in probably also true. When moving around an obstacle has become a habit, how do we recover our freedom when the obstacle is removed? Perhaps this is why healing is slower in older people. They have a more ingrained sense of self, they think they know who they are. The body may slow things down so that the psyche can catch up.
My integration into my wounded knee self has been an journey of 40 years with incredible successes and failures each determining who I perceive I am. So how do I integrate into who I am with a more fully functional knee? That journey awaits me.
Last minute work
Had a wonderful osteopathic session with Francis Demmerle D.O.. Trying to get the body in tip top shape so as to process the trauma. Freeing up the vascular and lymph systems so that they can do their jobs. Freeing up the fascia so it can adapt to the coming change. She also got into my cranium and my brain opened like a soufflé. Bodyworkers will understand that feeling.
Then a last minute acupuncture session to get my chi full and ready.
Late afternoon had a wonderful walk around our property looking at changes of spring: the blooming redbud trees, the almost blooming crab apples, the fields of violets, the sprouts in the garden.
Some slight fear/excitement/anticipation coming up. Using some EMDR to clear out what it is.
Asking for others to energetically connect
Placed postings on Facebook asking others to surround me and the surgical team in a green blanket of love for the surgery. Getting lots of wonderful and helpful responses.